Darkness...

Today...I do not understand this feeling today. Just a few days ago I was feeling so euphoric for no obvious reason. And now...today it seems I have burnt myself out. I looked at the clock an hour ago; I was at the same page of this course book that I am trying to read. The exam won’t go well, but I cannot even concentrate enough to feel guilt over that. I just feel hollow.

Maybe I've been dreaming too much; visualizing life for all it could be. Heaven; that thing men crave for, it seems so dull compared to the possibilities of this universe. Eternity just depresses me; I don’t feel I want to live forever. The ending...that is the most beautiful part of a story.

I am young, yet I feel like it’s already too late. I feel like I've missed out. I will just go on along this path...along this slipstream of all the hollow souls that have passed through this world...worthless. Is it all my fault? But all that I fantasize about; it was almost impossible for me to achieve…this era, these people, this body, this...fate. The die is cast now.

I do not seek knowledge, I do not just seek pleasure...I do not understand exactly what I seek; but it is some kind of wholeness...before I die; so the afterlife won’t matter one way or the other. But I feel so empty…so far away from anything I want to be...my memories so far from being those that could make a man content in death...