Thoughts Arise

Self loathing, social anxiety, embarrassment, and regret. I have felt them all strongly in my life. I think the misery of these mental states comes from the assumption of a better self. If only I was able to express my true self, life would be fulfilling. But, before we know it, we have been moulded by our genes and our environment and thrust into the world. So what is this ideal by which we judge ourselves? Shunryu Suzuki posited that Zazen (sitting meditation) itself is a direct expression of our true nature. And the peace that regular practice has brought makes me see great wisdom in this teaching. When we meditate we are expressing something that cannot be articulated well with words. In mindfulness meditation we sit in an alert posture and attempt to observe the breath and anything that arises. Through that very intent we accept that control is an illusion. We acknowledge that thoughts, sensations and emotions arise spontaneously. This expresses an unravelling of the volitional se

I have wondered at times how the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle applies to the reality of the macroscopic world. How does indeterminacy at a basic level lead to predictability at a larger scale? After today’s meditation the principle seems more familiar. I looked for my face and could not find it; I only become aware of it when it's observed. My own subjective experience seems analogous to the uncertainty of the quantum universe. Aspects of my personality only come forth when they are expected by another or triggered by an interaction with the world. Decisions seem to waver within a space of possibility before some series of events brings them to a close. The mind seems to be a wave function of possibilities, collapsing into experience based on its interaction with the physical world. Perhaps someday we will realise that the apparent paradoxes of quantum physics describe our own experience more closely than we thought.    Image from www.freepik.com

I focus on the breath and physical sensations. I notice that there is always a distance between sensations. A four dimensionality to experience that is not centred on any single point. Eventually the focus fades. Thoughts and opinions emerge attached to a self. But, upon investigation, the self in each instance seems to be a stick figure; a vastly abstracted and simplified representation of what I am. My awareness naturally shifts from the head to heart. The warmth in my chest comes with the feeling of expansiveness and the background hum of a gentle emotion. As I let go the illusion of control, an insight begins to form. A true representation of my identity includes the innumerable connections that bind me to this world. Every beat of my heart effortlessly brings the image of a person I have known. Each pulse strikes a chord in resonance with the imagined heartbeat of a remembered soul. Well wishes emanate from my heart and flow across this web of connections with a complete lack of r

Me; worried about tomorrow's burden. This; the heartfelt tenderness for a beloved voice. Me; separate from the world. This; deeply interconnected. Me; the one averse to beginnings and endings. This; where all that is known arises and fades. Me; weak-kneed in the shadow of death. This; without a familiar beginning or end. This is greater than me. Perhaps a platitude, but also a signpost to serenity. Photo from www.freepik.com

I have dreamt every night for at least a year. The dreams are vaguely recalled, rarely feel significant, and never seem worth the attempt to decipher meaning. But three nights ago I had a dream of a different nature. I waited to see if I would forget the experience, but it has left a deeper imprint. The dream had that noetic quality described by William James; I had the sense of bearing witness to a significant insight. And yet the ineffability of the experience, also described by James, makes it hard to put the vision into words. But I still feel compelled to try. I dreamt of a mandala. Fractal patterns of diamonds and flowers, intertwined in exquisite form, converging on a bright center. White against black. It seemed vast, but there was nothing to compare it to other than the immense darkness that seemed to surround it. I was there in first person; just a presence without a body. The centre of the circle was pulling me in with irresistible force. It felt like impending doom; my deat