Thoughts Arise

I look into my past; I see images, I remember words…but do I remember feelings? These memories are my own, yet the person I see in them is it me? I live in the present, I lived in the past, yet the person who lived in the past is just a memory. A high tech multimedia file stored in my brain. The feelings that these memories bring; the hurt, the joy, the love are they in that file or do I reproduce a faux copy of them in the present? The person who lived in the past is dead…it’s just me; this being in this instant of time, that is all. Do I know myself then? I am just an instance of an entity; an instance that changes into a new one, one that expires. Can anyone ever know me? They judge what they say is me. On actions ‘I’ took in the past, words ‘I’ said, things I regret now. Do they judge right? If it was I in that instant when ‘I’ did that which I regret, would I do it? Maybe I always would do it wrong, because you can take a thousand instances but they will still not represen

Bleach episode 39: Zangetsu...The personification of Ichigo's Soul Slayer...the sword that is the embodiment of his spirit... Zangetsu speaks from within Ichigo's heart... "Ichigo...I hate the rain. Rain falls in this world, too. When your heart is in chaos, the sky becomes clouded. When you are sad, rain falls so terribly easily. Can you understand the horror of being pelted by rain in this solitary world? If only to stop that rain, I shall lend you my strength. If you trust in me, I will let no rain fall in this world. Ichigo, trust me! You are not fighting alone."

Today...I do not understand this feeling today. Just a few days ago I was feeling so euphoric for no obvious reason. And now...today it seems I have burnt myself out. I looked at the clock an hour ago; I was at the same page of this course book that I am trying to read. The exam won’t go well, but I cannot even concentrate enough to feel guilt over that. I just feel hollow. Maybe I've been dreaming too much; visualizing life for all it could be. Heaven; that thing men crave for, it seems so dull compared to the possibilities of this universe. Eternity just depresses me; I don’t feel I want to live forever. The ending...that is the most beautiful part of a story. I am young, yet I feel like it’s already too late. I feel like I've missed out. I will just go on along this path...along this slipstream of all the hollow souls that have passed through this world...worthless. Is it all my fault? But all that I fantasize about; it was almost impossible for me to achieve…this era,