Corporate Culture...

“Ok fresh intakes! Raise your left hand and read aloud your oath.”

“I reject God,
I reject Satan,
My soul is governed solely by the holy board of directors.

My body is not my own;
It is for the firm to use as it desires.
I will subject it to sleep deprivation,
To cramped chairs and claustrophobic cubicles,
And I will submit my eyes to the constant glare of the computer screen;
For productivity is important and sleep is for the dead,
Physical discomfort prevents laxness,
And it is an honor to set my eyes upon sacred company text.

I will dump my girl friend,
I will practice abstinence,
For the company needs all my energy,
And with my current pay I cannot afford any progeny.

I will follow the CEO’s directive for toilet breaks;
‘Once every six hours’, that is.
If I find that impossible to obey,
I will wear diapers to work everyday.

I will work on weekends,
I will not fall ill,
I will not socialize,
And for family members I will not compromise.

I will receive my pay humbly,
I will not spend it on my person needlessly,
I will save it for the firm's future dictate,
When I will be asked to retire and procreate.

My children will be named according to company guidelines,
They will be raised to meet the firm’s vision,
And if they are found worthy upon initiation,
They will be welcomed into the brotherhood of the corporation.”

“Congratulations, bitches.”